The Flu Is Here, And I'm A Victim

Lots of coughing and sneezing around Bangkok these days. Last night I woke up with a horrible headache, fever, and runny nose- I was barely strong enough to get out of bed. I've taken off work today and am recovering little-by-little. Any suggestions for making recovery as smooth as possible? This is a bad time of year to be sick.

Thai culture of Denial - the Reality

I think the Thais have a culture of denial. It is not simply hypocrisy or two-facedness, which is common in many countries- if there is some negative attribute which they wish to hide, they seem compelled not only to cover it up but to STRONGLY, VOCALLY deny it. This goes for so-called "Thai values" as well as individual character. For example, [I tried to put these on the same lines in a parallel fashion but this darn editor keeps deleting the formatting spaces I put in!]

THAI VALUES:
Thais are sexually conservative.
Thais are socially conservative.
Thais are calm and cool.

REALITIES:
Everone screws like rabbits.
Everyone has affairs.
Thais have terribly emotional storms.

PERSONAL STATEMENTS
I don't have many dates.
I don't go there.
I'm not materialistic.
Up to you!
I don't tell you lies!

REALITIES
I'm a slut.
It's my favorite place.
Show me the money!
I want it my way!
I'm a pathological liar!


Time after time, when I examine what my Thai friends/acquaintances take so much trouble to deny, I find the truth by reversing their denials. It's a technique I recommend, somewhat cynically.

"Steven"

Understanding Your Thai Bf/Gf - The dishonesty thing seems endemic to Thailand

I've been living here for a few years, and I was a tourist previously. It's a whole different ball game living and working here, and you learn a lot- some things you might not really want to know.

The age difference is not by itself an issue- because a lot of the guys here are REALLY looking for someone older (I've been told several times I'm too young!) But it does mean that personality, expectations, etc. are different. And if you expect anyone under 25 in Thailand to be monogamous you're just fooling yourself.

The dishonesty thing seems endemic to Thailand- I'm not afraid to say it. They don't LOOK at it as lying, and there are a lot of "cultural coping mechanisms" to disguise it from themselves as lying, but basically, it's lying. The best ones will merely try hard to avoid expressing things they'd rather not express, and if you read between the lines to see what they're saying and don't pressure them to lose face, you can get the information you want without upsetting anyone.

For example, I started dating a guy recently and I almost immediately realized there was a financial problem- the guy had more money than he should have for his occupation/age. I approached it somewhat indirectly (after I saw he had the compaq portable computer!) and told him there were some things I would have to know about him if we were going to get serious, and did he mind if we discussed them- and he replied that it would be better if we didn't talk about those things- which gave me my answer and avoided any direct embarrassment. We're still friends and still date, but I don't let myself get too serious with him, and I'm grateful for his relative "honesty."

I've heard some amazing stories here, though, and there are both real stinkers and real angels out there.

"Steven"

Discrimination of Fat People

Something I find offensive to a great degree on Internet forums about Thailand and in writing on Thailand in general is this continuing reference to the fatness of _insert_group_to_be_insulted_here_. Usually comments are made in the genre of "it's disgusting how those fat Germans/queers/old men/farang women hang out with those young, slim, cutey beauties," etc., etc.

I find these comments hypocritical, immature, and ignorant to a high degree, assuming a number of contradictory things about the [fat-hating] speaker's position in Thailand and the position of the overweight visitor/resident in Thailand. I think these comments are also more insensitive among gay men, who have to worry about their appearance a lot more typically than straight men.

Assumption #1: FAT PEOPLE ARE UNDESIRABLE COMPARED TO THE SPEAKER

Contradictory to the assumptions of many immature individuals, larger (and older) persons are desired by a number of young men not only in Asia but also other countries of the world. There are whole bars devoted to this pursuit in the main cities of Japan [not to mention about half of the gay mags], and any larger person who's lived in Asia any length of time will have his admirers (often more than he can peacefully cope with!) Personally speaking, I've dated guys in every country I've ever lived in who had appreciation for, let us say, a man with something to him. I wouldn't have it any other way- I won't date guys I'm not sure are attracted to me (a good way to tell: check out his movie collection or porn, if any- lots of big guys? You know he's for real- one of the last guys I dated would go to any John Goodman movie that came out).

So, not only is the fat person NOT undesirable to this larg-ish group of chubby-chasing people, but they wouldn't give a second look to some skinny, middle-sized pretender.

Assumption #2: FAT PEOPLE MUST BE PAYING- HOW ELSE COULD THEY GET ANY?

Having demonstrated that we DO have a bit of a market, I hope it's obvious how this assumption is wrong. However, it displays a bit of additional arrogance and hubris on the part of the speaker- who seems to think that his being slender means he WON'T pay for sex- a common mistake on the part of those without much experience here. "I'm such a handsum handsum man that even the hookers won't charge me." This may happen- but very, very rarely.

I got very angry reading Cleo Odzer's book about prostitution in Patpong, for instance, because she seemed to imply that something was so "wrong" about the relative differential in beauty [judged by her] between the tourists and bargirls she saw, while she was engaged in the very same types of behavior [but it was "ok," because she was slim, blond and "beautiful."]

Assumption #3: FAT PEOPLE ARE INHERENTLY UNDESIRABLE AND THEREFORE DISGUSTING

Not to lots of folks! However, this is the feeling that comes through many posts referring to the weight of people. Aside from lacking the simple maturity of the realization that "there's someone for everyone" [and thank god for that], this is offensive and wrong. I think it comes from being hypnotized by Hollywood's message about what people should "look like" in movies and commercials. Ever noticed how the people Thai folks think are attractive (the "types" in movies that get repeated over and over) don't match with the kind of Thais that farang like? Ever wonder about how this might work in reverse? If not, perhaps you need a bit of deprogramming from Hollywood.

Anyway, just a starting point for discussion, and if nothing else, perhaps I'll have given some folks a reason to think twice before using "fat" as a generically negative classification.

Disclaimer: I'm a pretty big guy- tall, and I definitely qualify as fat, though I'm still fit enough to jog for half an hour or cycle a fair distance. Have always been, no matter how much exercise I did or how I tried to control my diet. I don't have trouble fitting into Thai chairs, but I'd never be able to fit into Thai clothes!

Frankly, my ex-bf always wished I was much bigger!

"Steven"

Filipinos are even more emotional and unrestrained than Thais

I've known a number of Filipino gays and had a Filipino bf for a few years. There are MANY, MANY gays there- I'd say it's on the same order of frequency as in Thailand if not more. The Catholic repression is there, as Cathy says, but it doesn't seem to stop 'em.

In the big cities, the gay subculture is (fairly) obvious to those who are looking... in the smaller towns, there aren't any gay bars or locations, but it's not hard to tell if someone's interested in you, and just as in Thailand, they're not going to start a fight if there's a misunderstanding.
Personality-wise, I'd say that Filipinos are even more emotional and unrestrained than Thais (compared, of course, to Americans). Filipino guys are generally very warm and emotionally open, but also jealous and moody at times.

Physically, Filipino men are stockier and broader-built than Thais, on average.

Of course, these are all generalities, but what more can you do when speaking of entire populations?

If you want more info, feel free to ask more specific questions.

"Steven"

Living with a Thai Boy - My Experience

The first big crack in the relationship was Valentine's Day. He gave me some big lie about how he had to spend the evening with his friends because he'd already promised some time back (really? like over three months when we became boyfriends?) he'd have dinner with them. I wasn't buying it- 'cause I knew how important these romantic holidays are to the Thais, even the Western ones.

He DID come by in the morning and give me a nice framed photo of himself and some flowers, but it wasn't enough- I wanted his presence- and in the evening (which I spent alone at home in my apartment, far outside the Bangkok city limits) I couldn't reach him on his cellphone- it mysteriously malfunctioned [he later claimed battery failure] which it had a tendency to do when convenient for him.

Speaking of the mobile phones, they evolved considerably while I was dating him. He started off with a fairly expensive-looking Nokia model with a color screen and a slightly musical tone. Suddenly, one day he showed up with one of the top-of-the-line Panasonic phones (the big console-looking ones with built-in camera that can even do E-banking for you securely). How did he get the money (probably about 20,000B) for this? "I have a friend working at a store so I got a discount." Wrong answer!

To make matters worse, during this period he ALSO picked up a portable CD player to the tune of 10,000B including fancy rechargeable battery system, and fancy 3000B headphones. Finally, he LOST the expensive phone (left it in a cab)! So he got yet ANOTHER phone, to the tune of 8000K. Just one month later his friend broke that one, and he showed up with yet ANOTHER phone (with built-in camera again) that probably cost about 8000K.

As if all that weren't fishy enough, I noticed the following expenses, which he made no effort to hide from me:

1-2000B a month sent home to mother
500B a month life insurance policy (payable to mother)
Shares in TWO apartments running about 4-5000B a month
Expensive habits, like riding in taxis and eating out, seeing movies in theatres with his friends, drinking at bars (where he kept bottles in his name), etc.
Frequent purchase of trendy clothes and accessories- seemed for awhile like every day he had something new from MBK.

After a bit of calculation, I finally figured that he was spending over 50-60K a month during the time that I knew him (more than my salary!!!) And yet he was an unemployed student.... right.

Eventually, even my friends noticed that he was too rich to be telling the truth. Even the nice Thai man who introduced us told me he thought something was wrong- probably that O. was getting income from other farang. I knew I couldn't let things go on like this.

Why not? some may ask. Why not live in style on the money of a fairly well-off kept boy boyfriend who costs me little/nothing and even buys things for me? Why rock the boat?

The reason is O's first change in my life- I was truly, deeply falling in love with him, more so than I had ever been with any other partner. How was I going to feel if Mr. Moneybags from Switzerland showed up one day demanding that my cutie run off with him for years or forever? Emotionally, this was a losing proposition, and I had to find the truth or give him up.

"Steven"

I don't pay for the Thai Bf's Thai Wife and the Thai Bf's ThaiBf

One of the saddest types of stories I've heard from my friends here is about the couple which consisted of:

the farang
and his gay Thai boyfriend
and the Thai boyfriend's Thai wife
and the Thai boyfriend's Thai boyfriend

all living in the house which Jack built (but the boyfriend owns).

I tell every new boyfriend candidate (after a suitable period of time) this story, and emphasize to them that *I* will not be in the role of that farang. So far, the one guy who became my "official" boyfriend for awhile (my ex) didn't believe me [eventually found out he had 2 or 3 other farang plus maybe a Thai bf and one or two Thai girlfriends, too]. I added him to the story of what I don't put up with in serious boyfriends, for the benefit of future candidates. Remains to be seen if any of these candidates will understand I am serious from the start!!!


"Steven"

How To Avoid Questionable Characters While Dating Gay Guys In Thailand

How To Avoid Questionable Characters While Dating Gay Guys In Thailand

A Mostly Common Sense Approach

Meeting People

1. Stay out of the gogo bars.
This one should be pretty obvious. It's not impossible that you might meet a "real" boyfriend in a gogo bar, but it might as well be.

2. Stay out of Soi 4; oh heck, stay away from Silom/Suriwong/Patpong entirely.
Once again, why screw up your odds? Yes, there are some nice/real people going to Silom and so forth, including of course you, my gentle reader- but really....

3. Stay out of gay bars in general.
Excluding present company, I'm afraid that simply being in a gay bar in Thailand is unusual and rare for many real gay guys- they don't have the time or the money, or they want to avoid stigma.

4. Do not use Internet chat rooms or personals sites.
There are far too many butterflies, MBs, "students," "kept" types, and crazies on these sites to make them good places for finding a "real" candidate.

5. Do not consider people you meet in saunas or parks serious candidates.
Another obvious one. People don't go to saunas and parks looking for serious connections with others.

6. Do not consider students serious candidates.
Even though they're cute, even though they're young, even though they're horny and they love you- they're just not worth the trouble. No money, uncertain future, and difficult to track.

7. Do not consider the unemployed serious candidates.
Another obvious one. Anyone who is unemployed in Thailand needs a good explanation of how they manage to stay alive (or at least how they did before you started taking care of them). Why add to the list of troubles for yourself?

8. DO keep your eyes open in public for those who looking at you with interest.
There are many very friendly and lovely gay guys all around who will readily indicate interest in you. Yes, even you, with your pot belly and grandfatherly look- that's what some of them like. Learn to notice and respond to these signals- look around when you're on the train, on the street (except Silom), in malls, at grocery stores.

9. DO chat and be friendly with attractive people who are obviously already working.
Some Thais are quite shy. If they are cute and seem gay, why not try to take the initiative? And if they're working somewhere that you're shopping or have business, you have a perfect excuse for the interaction- and you know they have a job.

10. DO ask your Thai friends to introduce you to nice people.
You *do* have Thai friends, right? Get them to help you out- but in this case, beware of your responsibility. You don't want your friend to lose face if you turn out to be a jerk.

11. DO make Thai friends.
This is sort of a prerequisite to number 10. Not all gays that you contact will be interested in you that way- and you can only have one boyfriend, anyway. Keep some of the rest as friends.

12. DO go to gay-attractive events such as film events, art exhibitions, and the performing arts.
Another place to find like-minded people with enough money and leisure for taste.

13. DO try to meet Thai university teachers/workers (not students).
This solves the education/job/intelligence side of the equation from the start.

14. DO consider Thai-Chinese partners if you can.
While not to everyone's taste, and bringing along with them certain stereotypical weaknesses, all signs point to their being among the best choice for stable relationships between foreigners and Thai nationals.

"Steven"

Me: "R., why are you washing dishes?"

One evening I was visiting a lovely older British friend of mine for his birthday party. He had a new Thai bf at the time. As the party wound down and everyone left, it became obvious it was time for cleanup- and my friend started cleaning up the place.

Me: "R., why are you washing dishes?"
R.: "You know, that's a very good question."
Me: "Sit down."

At which point *I* started cleaning up the place. It was another 10 minutes or so before I think R.'s bf realized that he shouldn't have been letting R. do the work, and he rushed over and took *my* place at dishwashing. I don't know if that's any clear sign or not of how things stand in a relationship, but soon afterwards the two of them broke up.

Well, an excellent gay farang blog.

My Thai diary/boyfriend

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Well,an excellent gay farang blog. I find it worth reading myself, though I don't always agree with the writer's point of view (which is probably natural). If nothing else, he has definitely chosen a different path than most foreign expats in Bangkok and that makes him interesting.

Mugging By Blind Date Pretender

A good friend of mine was recently held up at gunpoint at an apartment building on upper Sukhumvit when he went to meet someone who was a supposed date. The "date" had contacted him through a Gaydar profile. When my friend, who was a tourist, arrived and went to the "date"'s room, another man was waiting with him. They drew a gun, cuffed my friend, and went through his wallet, removing the cash and credit cards. Then they brought my friend out to the main road, gave him 100B and told him to get in a taxi quietly.

My friend contacted the Thai police immediately and filed a complaint, and went back with them to the apartment building but the room was empty and the manager had no idea about who the two men were or how to contact them. My friend was also less than impressed with the attitude of the police.

Of course, my friend was a little unwise in arranging a first meeting with a stranger in a private place, and in bringing any unnecessary valuables to that meeting. It only goes to show that there are reasons for taking precautions over the internet; thank goodness he wasn't hurt. Let this be a warning to the rest of us- be careful and use common sense out there.

"Steven"

Loving Thai Boy, so cute in his college uniform

I made my first false break with B. around Songkran, when it became clear to me that he was lying about his income and unwilling, no matter how softly, softly I tried to convince him to talk to me about his life, to tell me the truth. A week or so later of calls every day crying and begging for me to reconsider, I told him that he would have to get a normal (i.e., non-bar-related) job where I could go and see him working if he wanted to keep dating me (incidentally, I recommend this for all those who have potentially dodgy partners).

He was reluctant, but agreed to do so without a time frame. Internally, I was giving him about 3 months before I would unilaterally give up on him completely. Of course, this affected our relationship negatively in almost every area. We were having more arguments and he was more moody.

However, he seemed to step up to bat. He had employment photos and copies of his high school papers made, and frequently went off to interview wearing his college uniform. He had his heart set on a job with Major Cineplex, because he loves movies, but he only made it to the second interview with them- he thinks he was not "cute" enough by their standards [it's true that most of the gay guys working there are more fem than B.; maybe that's what he meant].

At the same time, other areas of my life improved and I moved to a more convenient place in town- so convenient, in fact, that B. was over every other day. And then every day- and then he was keeping clothes in my closet. By midsummer [in the western sense] he was practically living with me, though still paying rent in his other room. The job hunting had virtually stopped, however, and I was steeling myself to leave him because it seemed to be only a matter of time. I dreaded it, though, because in one sense it was a dream fulfilled- a lovely, attractive guy living with me who loved me and genuinely found me attractive [his picture collection is full of images of men like me] and who, even though for fishy reasons, wasn't asking me to support his life.

I've seen what happens, however, when farang fail to set reasonable limits on their boundaries and what they'll put up with from their Thai partners. You wind up with the farang who has a Thai boyfriend who is married with kids, and also has a Thai boyfriend. All living together (sometimes without the farang!) in the house the farang bought, built, and paid for. I was not going to be that farang.

Fortunately, rather than leave me dithering and wondering whether to follow through with the ultimatum on the basis of no more evidence than just because, B. finally gave me every reason to dump him.

To be continued!

"Steven"

Cruising and Thai Wait Staff At Restaurants

Restaurants are great places for cruising in Thailand. Actually, that may be half the point for some of the workers- find someone tolerably good looking with a bit of money to throw around and give up the drudgery.

Heard a story from a friend- he was at some place near Silom and asked the obviously gay, cute waiter out- the waiter didn't have a phone but called the guy later- 1st question: will you buy me a mobile phone? that was the end of that. but next time the guy went to the restaurant, the waiter gave HIM his new mobile phone number... sometimes pie in the sky DOES come for these guys...

"Steven"

Sadly, in Thailand, there are almost no relationships that do not have a financial component

Sadly, in Thailand, there are almost no relationships that do not have a financial component of SOME kind that is more actively realized than in "Western" countries. I've been told by straight guys (level ones with jobs and wives who've decided to live here, not barflies) that Thais love, but there's always a practical side to it- in an almost Victorian sense. That doesn't mean that there won't be guys who love you for you, but there will always be at least a little tiny bit of awareness that you have so much more money than they do, and in the Thai way of thinking this obliges you, patron-style. You could think of it as you being a father figure.

That said, there's a bit of difference between patronage and milking. An average salary in Bangkok is 4-6000 BAHT a month for a 10hr a day, 6 day a week job. You can judge the sincerity of requests for 25K a month by this, right?

Real Thais who work and have real jobs have little time or money to hang out in bars for any reason. If they do go, it's typically to all-Thai bars with small groups of friends who stand around a table dancing and drinking together- a hard social milieu for farang to break into, though it can happen. I recommend Dreaded Ned's website (do a google search) for detailed maps of gay Bangkok to locate bars of this sort.

so here's the deal: A real Thai with a real life is possible to find, but he will have little time to hang out with you and you'll need to bear the shared costs of any expensive nightlife. An idle Thai with plenty of free time for you and/or money is almost always dodgy in some way (where does the money come from? how does he have all this time to spend in bars?) or rich, which is often worse. You pays your money and you takes your choice.

Good luck!

"Steven"

How Dodgy Is My Candidate?

Ok, here are the things I *know* to be true about him:

1. He is an art student at Silpakorn, and fairly good (has gotten pieces of his that I've seen into magazines and suchlike).
2. He speaks English suspiciously well (has an electronic dictionary).
3. He does not seem to have a lot of free cash (rides the bus, few extravagant spending habits that I've seen).
4. He's very bright- not only in English and art, but also in computers and a certain amount of philosophy.
5. He has a personal computer (compaq laptop).
6. He has been to Korea and dated at least one gay man there.
7. He has won several art awards (I've seen portfolio including award presentations).
8. He has worked for both a marketing agency and a pottery export company doing art for pay.
9. He has a number of pairs of shoes, some of which look fairly expensive.
10. He has a small number of tasteful clothes, but rather a variety of kinda provocative underwear.
11. In a bit of a financial bind recently, he sold his mobile phone to pay his rent and refused to take my 1-month offer of help.
12. He has obviously had quite a lot of experience with farangs- fair enough, I've been dating Thais, myself.
13. He freely admits to going to gay bars where farang often go; for example, DJ station- however he also goes to all-Thai gay bars with his friends.
14. I do all the paying for dates (he's a STUDENT, for gosh sakes), but he doesn't ask for other money and seems embarrassed quite often when I pay. He always makes sure to thank me for anything I've paid for.
15. When he's with me he seems more and more affectionate- not suddenly declaring his undying love, but measuring me just as I am measuring him.

Here are things he has TOLD me but for which I have no direct confirmation:
1. He is from Isaan and has a poor family.
2. He has an "aunt" married to a Korean man, which explains his trip to Korea and while he was there he earned the money for the computer by cleaning a restaurant for a few months
3. He's been at school funded partially by an uncle, partially by the Korean married aunt, partially by his brother, and partially by government funding (but overall has little spare money).
4. He's had a stingy Spanish boyfriend whom he is now considering breaking up with in my favor- claims the guy never even took him out to a movie or anything else but soi food.
5. He lives with a few other students in a typical student-block room near his university, but spends a lot of his time working and painting (I can confirm this anytime, 'cause he's not shy or paranoid about my visiting him in his home or at the studio- just haven't had time to go yet)

Now, the money and farang experience and the poverty all perhaps don't QUITE add up- but on the other hand, he's not apparently out to milk all farang for all he can get, either, and I think the feeling side of things is real; I'm convinced at the very least there's already a real friendship beginning to operate. Physically, things started slow but are getting hotter.

So, how sincere do you think this guy is? I'm trying to believe in him as much as I can, but it's in light of a recent relationship which went sour despite my ex-'s honest affection for me, because I found out about the other 3-4 guys bankrolling him (the ex). What do you recommend?

"Steven"

Thais often being cheated on by their partners (Thai or otherwise) and Thais often cheating on their partners (Thai or otherwise)

Just a few thoughts

1. Buddhism in Thailand is a hodge-podge overlaid onto traditional animism, with a healthy dose of Brahmin mysticism sprinkled on top. It is heavily associated with family rituals (birth, marriage, burial), and, yes, shamanism and superstition. As with many belief systems, the "pure" form of Buddhism is only a theory; what happens in practice can be quite different. Going to the temple to "sanctify" your relationship might be a big deal indeed for your guy.

2. Racism is alive and well in Thailand- guys who are "darker" are perceived (and perceive themselves, sadly) to be socially inferior. Quite often those of lighter hue are also, as a result, higher social class (and richer). *Certain* foreigners who have dated various Thais also feel that those of Chinese-Thai descent often have some snobbery-related personality problems. So there could be some explanation for a bias by gay foreigners in Thailand towards one or another group of whatever colour. Plus part of the interest and spark for many foreigners here is the difference- why go all the way around the world and date what turns out to be another Western-thinking white guy?

If I were more cynical, I might add that the "you're the first farang I've dated" is considerd one of the oldest lines in the book locally here.

3. Thais in general (but never specifically, I'm sure) are very, very, very, very jealous. I attribute this to:
a. Thais often being cheated on by their partners (Thai or otherwise),
b. Thais often cheating on their partners (Thai or otherwise), and
c. Thais being very emotional and sentimental with their partners.

I hasten to add that I'm sure no falang reader of this blog is in either category a. or b. with their Thai partner(s).

4. The submission you describe comes with obligation and a delayed price- there's no free lunch. It seems you are lucky enough to have a fairly self-sufficient young man, but if he should ever face ANY kinds of problems- consider yourself obligated and responsible (as a social superior with a relationship to an inferior would be in Thailand). Furthermore, this extends if necessary to the needs of his family, if your relationship continues long enough.

5. You should visit here not only once, but many, many times before you even consider moving here (especially for the sake of a Thai guy you've met outside). Ask lots of questions. Don't take everything on faith; ask for independent verification and evidence. Don't let him be the only source of information about his family and friends. If it involves any large sums of your money, make sure the paperwork is checked by a farang law firm working for you but familiar with Thai law. Make other Thai and local farang friends and get their perspective on your guy, too.

Just some thoughts

"Steven"

Living with a Thai Boy

O. survived a move with me, but 3 months after my ultimatum (this would be May of last year) he still showed no sign of getting a real job. He would hem and haw and mentioned that he was "taking care of his professor's dog," which really didn't sit up there on the top shelf of "Lame Excuses I Have Believed."

I was away for awhile on business. When I returned, O. was still the same. No money, but living expensively- how was he doing it?

In a taxi one afternoon I looked through his wallet out of curiosity, only to be surprised by the photo of another farang man- a bit older and larger than I am. O. blustered, then got defensive, then got angry. I refused to see him for a few days.

One day we went to check email together at an Internet cafe. I demanded to see his email suddenly. He seemed a bit apprehensive, for good reason: in his inbox was an email dated during my business trip:

"Dear O., I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful evening. I hope your hangover was not too bad. If you want to contact me after (date), please use (email address). Signed, (European Farang).

This also did not help. My suspicions were heightened to the point where I was looking for any way to get true information about O., so that I could make a well-justified decision about whether to stay with him or not. I knew that things were fishy as Heck, but I didn't like the thought of leaving him for the sake of suspicion only. And boy, did I get my chance.

It bears mentioning that all during this dodgy period, O. had been hinting that he would like me to help him financially (I had not been doing so) because if he ran out of money he might have to go back to Isaan. I kept asking when he was going to get a job.

Near the beginning of the new school year, O. claimed to have less than 5000B left to his name. It also happened that O. contracted a throat infection- a very, very bad throat infection. I nursed him for a day or two, and the infection got worse. I realized he really needed to see a doctor, but being a stubborn country lad he refused to go. Finally, after about 5 days of fevers and grouchiness, he admitted he was really sick. Just going to the road to catch a taxi for the hospital he threw up from the pain. I was exhausted from staying up looking after him and frightened about how sick he was, but glad to see him on the way to real medical care.

At that time, I had just gone through a very expensive month- I had moved and paid a big deposit on a new apartment, along with some other expenses- and my cash was low (actually, I probably only had 5-6000B in the bank, which I needed to last 8-9 days until the next payday). It occurred to me I would have to pay for O.'s hospital bills, and that I might even have to borrow money if he needed to stay for very long.

The hospital checked him in efficiently and quickly, and I was off to work. I called O.'s mobile a few times during the day but he didn't answer; probably he was asleep or heavily drugged.

When I returned home, I noticed the familiar bulge of O.'s wallet lying on his last pair of jeans on the floor- he hadn't used it or needed it since I had been taking care of him in his illness. Driven by some devil or angel, I opened it and found:

1. Pictures of 3 foreign men, including the one which I had previously seen.
2. Debit card receipts from the previous week in bars and restaurants totalling over 5000B in food and drink.
3. Records of appointments at a very expensive skincare spa
4. Phone numbers in other men's handwriting, including brief messages like "back on 3/5/05"
5. An ATM receipt from his bank account showing an outstanding balance of over 70,000B

"Steven"

My young Thai Boy

Sometime about November of last year, I met a young fellow, whom I'll call O.

He's changed my life 3 times so far, and I'd like to write more about him.

I went to an afternoon lunch of my gay friends on Gay Pride Day. Some of my friends' friends from Europe were in town, and they had brought along a young Thai fellow, O. O was shortish and slight, with an unfortunate mop of "Herman Munster" style hair [which is apparently popular with the senior uni students these days]. His complexion was not terribly good- still suffering from adolescent hormonal afflictions- but his broad smile and open expression were appealing. He was pretty quiet during our lunch, and what he did say was directed towards the Thai boyfriend of one of my friends there. I assumed he was the date of one of the Dutch gentlemen next to him, and so I went into automatic "no-flirting" mode with him. However, as the day went on, including an afternoon rowing in Lumphini Park before the actual parade [which, unfortunately, I felt was extremely poorly organized and insipid this year], I was convinced he was flirting with me.

While flattering, I despise it when acquaintances' dates show inappropriate interest in me- I think it is only polite for people to maintain the facade of happy couplehood in public, whatever one's relationship arrangements are. I did sneak a glance at him when he removed his shirt in Lumphini to cool off after rowing- attractive, muscular, light colored skin offsetting his jet black hair.

After the parade some of us wandered off to a fancy tourist restaurant for dinner, considerately paid for by our Dutch visitors. O was positioned next to me, and I began to suspect a bit of collusion... confirmed later by SMS messages from my good friend asking me if I was interested, because O had no boyfriend [he explained the Dutch man was a former/intermittent dating interest for O, but only as a tourist- and both he and O wanted O to find a regular partner]. My friend's Thai boyfriend had also known O for a year or so, and could vouch for him as a "real" type. Would I like them to set me up for a date? You betcha!

Sweet Memories - Bangkok Gay Pride 2006

Young Thai Boys Love The Older Falang Man ... and give the old man money

Don't want to be beating a dead horse, but thought I'd mention that I know of at least one 60-something yo who's been offered money by 20-something yo Thais to go with them when he wasn't particularly interested in doing it for fun. That's right, the younger Thais offered the older farang money.

Young Thais aren't all poor. Old guys aren't universally undesirable. And I think anyone who wants to tell someone who's THIRTY that they know his interests better than he does should go ahead and try- yeah- go out to some of these bars where you'll see a 30yo Thai sitting with his 50yo boyfriend, and TELL the Thai he shouldn't be dating such an old guy. Do it in the nasty condescending way you like to do it here, where you feel safe 'cause you're anonymous cowards. I just hope I'm there to see the aftermath.

As a "punch"line, I've been told by Thais in their early twenties that I'm just not old enough yet.

"Steven"